A year!?! Really!?!

I can not believe it has been a year since I posted last. In my defense, adding the second child to the mix is quite the adjustment! Add a health scare and a new business and you might say I have been quite busy! Mostly just doing my most important jobs which are serving the Lord, trying to be a great wife, mom, sister, aunt, daughter and friend. Wow! Just reading that paragraph lets me know why I have been so busy!

Another reason I have not posted is because I was on a journey since my last post (more on that below). I am A girl that has to think through what I am dealing with and come to terms with it before I can talk about it. I have a few close people that I share "me" with but mostly it is God and I who work through things. Not that I am too strong to get help but it has always been my way of coping and working through things. Often times it is after The Lord and I have worked through something that I am able to discuss and then the feedback I receive from my trusted others helps pull it all together for me. Anyway I had to get all of this together enough (certainly not all the way because it is a process) to even be able to post. I thought about this blog often and hoped everyone knew i was still "kickin' it!" but I just didn't have any of me to give outside of what I was giving to my family, friends and my healing process. I felt the Lord leading me to post but It wasn't until one day when He spoke to me through a devotion that I realized what I was doing. It basically said that when we don't share our struggles with others- 1) others can't benefit from our journey 2) God can't receive the Glory by others seeing Him work through our struggle and bring us to victory. I remember sitting there and knew that was just from Him to me that morning. I LOVE those times!! You know!? It's those times that you are like "okay! I hear you and I know you are talking to me!".  I had never thought of it that way. I had just always wanted to take care of others and encourage them so I didn't want to concern them with my struggles so I always went to the Lord and we worked on them together. I never realized that I wasnt helping others by doing that nor giving God glory. Whoo! Those are the two most important things to me so I knew that I was being urged to do things a little differently. Now with that being said, after 31 years of doing something one way (or however long you are actually working through issues haha) its hard to stop the habit. So that's why I am back blogging. I can't be anything less than my best for this blog nor can I not be transparent ( it just isn't me!) so as hard as it is, I'm going to give you everything I got. Forewarning: I have been told I talk in circles and I REALLY like to drive in my point so you'll have to bear with me!

Now that I have explained my thought process, let's get back to the story......




To my surprise, and out of the blue, I had a rough 1 year anniversary of my SCAD events. I was rocking along doing so well! I was even able to come off of my anxiety medicine that I was told by my cardiologist that I may never be able to after the events. I was feeling great. I was exercising, had no chest pains, started a new business and was enjoying the summer with my family and BOOM!!! The anniversary rolled around. Anniversaries are supposed to be great occasions. They are milestones and should be celebrated but all I could do was maintain through the day. Praise the Lord my mom was here to help with the girls and to talk to me because it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. 

I have learned through my trials in life to be somewhat of a Mind over matter person better yet, a God over matter person is more like it because I know my peace of mind and strength comes directly from Him because this girl is nothing without Him! I could not get my mind to relax. No matter how hard I tried and prayed. It started out with some deaths of people that I knew. I would cry thinking about one's short life and the other's children. I guess it was some form of survivors guilt. Then the sound of an ambulance would make me have flashbacks and then it got to where when I was replaying the events on the anniversary dates (you know the good ole "at this time last year, I was..." )  it was like I was there. I could even smell the hospital sheets. I know you are thinking "she was loosing it" and quite frankly, I felt like I was that and having another heart attack. I would become so anxious that my heart would pound out of my chest Nd even send pain up my neck. Oh no! Guess what?!? That's one of the signs of a heart attack! More panic! As I type this, I get a little tickled because since my heart attacks, I have had several instances like that. Some are hilarious now because the symptoms would not be anything like a heart attack but yet my mind would go into over drive and I would be almost convinced it was and then thankfully common sense would kick in and I would be able to calm myself down. Not last August though. It was crazy! Initially my mind was fine but my body was over reacting to the anxiety and after a few days of that, my mind became tired and my emotions were all over the place. I spoke to my sister (physician) who advised I needed to get back on anxiety meds. I spoke to my cardiologist and we discussed what was going on and I was diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder and back on Paxil I went. Praise the Lord! It started working within days and I started feeling like Jessica again and my body started acting as it should. It was tough to know that I had to take the anxiety med and still is a bit today but I realized I had to be kinder to myself. I asked myself if one of my sisters were going through that would you tell them to take the Paxil? Yes I would. Would I think they were weak? Not for a second. So in that, I was able to cut myself a little slack and know myself well enough to know that I had done all I could but just needed a little help. Praying with time that I can stop the Anxiety med but if not that is okay to because I have come to find that so many people are on them. Not that that makes it all better but a little easier to accept.

Spent a little time on Team Inspire this morning...

and my eyes are filled with tears. I saw that while I was busy a new mommy with SCAD joined our group. It brings back the emotions of that time. I wouldn't wish it on anyone (plus I am not that way anyway! LOL). To be a new mommy and to have to endure such a challenging time is almost too much. Had it not been for the Lord and my family, I could not have made it. It took ALL that I had. These days I am dealing with a little bit of sadness that it did occur. I am BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE to be here but I can't help but feel sad that I did not get to really enjoy my sweet little Ryleigh as a baby, especially since she was my last. I tried, oh how I tried but mentally & emotionally I was consumed. I was here with her every moment but I did not get to savor it like I did with my first daughter and it breaks my heart because my sweet baby deserved more. Since I had the 10 lb limit, I was terrified to pick her up because I thought it could happen for the 3rd time. Even though I was encouraged to pick her up I just wouldn't because I thought it would be better for me to be here than to pick her up. I feel sad that I didn't get to truly have the joy that you have with a new baby. I had it for 7 days and I will cherish that. After that it was just a blur. I get upset & I cry my eyes out but then I remind myself that although I did not have any control over what happened and that it was not anything like I had hoped for it to be, that I am still BEYOND BLESSED to be here with her, with both of my girls, with my sweet husband and my wonderful family. I originally thought the weeks in the hospital were the hardest and boy was I glad the moment I was discharged but the moment I stepped away from the hospital, I was really faced with the toughest part of the journey. My sweet baby girl will be 10 months tomorrow and what a 10 month journey it has been! Mostly thankfulness & knowing that I am blessed mixed with a little bit of sadness and then a teeny, tiny bit of anger. But really that is life, it is what you make it so I choose to focus on what I have had and what I do have! I am blessed. :)

Here lately

Here lately I have been thinking about this blog more and I know that I have not done it justice. For one I am a little busy and that is a good thing because that has to mean that I feel really good. That is true. I really do feel like "my old self" most of the time. I will occasionally have little pains in my heart or little funny feelings that remind me of what my heart has endured and how blessed I am to still be here. Those little pains or moments of questioning "Is this normal or something bad?" can be really scary. I was told by my cardiologist (Dr. Perry @ UAB-FABULOUS!!!) that I will just have to relearn what is normal for my body. One because after a heart attack you feel and question EVERYTHING (So true!)and also there is a "new normal", in my opinion, after having heart attacks and intervention. So I am not really sure if the little pains(only occasionally) are new little pains or just me actually being more aware. I always had little twitches with my heart for as long as I can remember but I would always be like, "that was a little odd" and move on because I was young and healthy but now it is a little different. Now don't get me wrong, these are not severe pains or anything that I REALLY FEEL I SHOULD SEEK HELP because I would do that in an instant. I didn't play on either occasions that I had my heart attacks. :)

The second reason that I feel I have not done justice to this blog is because even though I have never had a problem sharing my feelings with people that I care about, it is a little different to type them out on a blog. Not that I think I have a large following (I did notice the two comments just the other day from you. Not sure why I did not get a notice in my email because I had no idea-sorry) and am afraid for people to read them but maybe I just do not really know how to start or to put them into words but I am going to try. I really think it would be a good thing for me and possibly anyone that is going through something similar and that might happen to find my blog to know my feelings during those weeks in the hospital and the time after when I was working through it emotionally. So you have my promise that I will do that! I do have two small girls that I am at home with so the posts may be sporadic but they will be posted!

Cardiac Rehab Graduation!

I graduated Cardiac Rehab February 25th. I was the youngest to complete the program (29 years) and I took the longest (September 2010-February 2011). LOL I am really going to miss them because they were wonderful. I made some really good friends while there and gained my confidence back. I can not say enough how much cardiac rehab helped me. I was able to see all that I could do while hooked up to a monitor that proved it to me. That is such a blessing for someone that has suffered two heart attacks. I had to do the 6 minute walk, just like I did at my first visit. I walked so many laps just because I felt good that I could. I was super walking! :) I could not help but remember my first walk on my first day of rehab. I was terrified. I felt off balance because I had been "taking it easy" for a month and felt so nervous that my heart rate would increase and I would have another MI. I remember telling the nurse, Tammy, that I was so scared and she said that was to be expected. That was such a relief to me. I remember walking so slowly and coming in the room and asking if everything was okay while I walked. I have come a long way in the 36 visits and I would recommend cardiac rehab to everyone that has had any heart setback. You will not regret it!!!

6 months

My sweet little Ryleigh turned 6 months on Wednesday so I know that my "6 month anniversary" for my first heart attack is around the corner as well as my "6 month anniversary" for my second heart attack. I sure was busy! :)

I have not posted in a while because I have been super busy but I have my moments. Most of the time I forget what happened in August. It will hit me and I am like "Did that really happen?". Praise the Lord I feel well. Here lately I have been dealing with the emotional side of this a little more than usual. Not sure why it just now started to happen? I really thought I had dealt with this and worked through the emotions but I guess you have to work through new emotions too. They are nothing bad but they do make me think about those days a lot more. PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS HEALING AND LOVE!!!! TO HIM BE ALL THE GLORY!

I only have 5 more visits left at Cardiac Rehab. I am going to miss them. Especially Tammy the nurse. She has been WONDERFUL! I have made some very good friends there. It is nice to have people to relate to since none of my friends have gone through this! Everyone is so sweet! I am excited about being the youngest graduate they have ever had! :) There better be some cake or something! LOL

Cardiac Rehab

Cardiac Rehab has been wonderful for me. Granted I am 29 and the youngest in the group but it has given me confidence and has made me feel more like me. When I first started rehab, I felt so nervous. My heart raced just for the warm up. My second visit I was scared and told the nurse that I was scared. She said that was a perfectly normal feeling to feel. That gave me relief. Every day I felt more confident and my energy increased. It is also a blessing to go and have your heart monitored three days a week while you do things to see that it is functioning as it should (or to let you know that it is not so you can see your doctor about it). Another blessing of Rehab is that you get to be around others who know how you feel and are going through what you are going through. That is an amazing feeling because I am 29 so I do not have any friends with heart issues! Whenever I talk to any of the other people in the group, I can relate to them and I always learn a lot. I also have enjoyed getting to learn about a healthier diet. I have always eaten pretty healthy but I have learned more about whole grains and fiber and the benefits they have on the heart. I would recommend Cardiac Rehab to anyone that has had an issue with their heart!

"Twinges" I felt after stents

After each time I was taken to the Cath lab (for stents & ultrasound) I felt little twinges in my heart. It was odd because every time I discussed them with the doctors & nurses they acted like it was the first they had heard of it. I thought that was very odd since they perform so many stent operations. My sister googled it and there were many stent recipients who stated the same sensations. That made me feel better because I thought something might be wrong! Also when I started Cardiac Rehab the nurse knew what I was talking about. Finally!!! I felt like I had a normal sensation in my heart and that made me worry a little less!!