Spent a little time on Team Inspire this morning...

and my eyes are filled with tears. I saw that while I was busy a new mommy with SCAD joined our group. It brings back the emotions of that time. I wouldn't wish it on anyone (plus I am not that way anyway! LOL). To be a new mommy and to have to endure such a challenging time is almost too much. Had it not been for the Lord and my family, I could not have made it. It took ALL that I had. These days I am dealing with a little bit of sadness that it did occur. I am BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE to be here but I can't help but feel sad that I did not get to really enjoy my sweet little Ryleigh as a baby, especially since she was my last. I tried, oh how I tried but mentally & emotionally I was consumed. I was here with her every moment but I did not get to savor it like I did with my first daughter and it breaks my heart because my sweet baby deserved more. Since I had the 10 lb limit, I was terrified to pick her up because I thought it could happen for the 3rd time. Even though I was encouraged to pick her up I just wouldn't because I thought it would be better for me to be here than to pick her up. I feel sad that I didn't get to truly have the joy that you have with a new baby. I had it for 7 days and I will cherish that. After that it was just a blur. I get upset & I cry my eyes out but then I remind myself that although I did not have any control over what happened and that it was not anything like I had hoped for it to be, that I am still BEYOND BLESSED to be here with her, with both of my girls, with my sweet husband and my wonderful family. I originally thought the weeks in the hospital were the hardest and boy was I glad the moment I was discharged but the moment I stepped away from the hospital, I was really faced with the toughest part of the journey. My sweet baby girl will be 10 months tomorrow and what a 10 month journey it has been! Mostly thankfulness & knowing that I am blessed mixed with a little bit of sadness and then a teeny, tiny bit of anger. But really that is life, it is what you make it so I choose to focus on what I have had and what I do have! I am blessed. :)

Here lately

Here lately I have been thinking about this blog more and I know that I have not done it justice. For one I am a little busy and that is a good thing because that has to mean that I feel really good. That is true. I really do feel like "my old self" most of the time. I will occasionally have little pains in my heart or little funny feelings that remind me of what my heart has endured and how blessed I am to still be here. Those little pains or moments of questioning "Is this normal or something bad?" can be really scary. I was told by my cardiologist (Dr. Perry @ UAB-FABULOUS!!!) that I will just have to relearn what is normal for my body. One because after a heart attack you feel and question EVERYTHING (So true!)and also there is a "new normal", in my opinion, after having heart attacks and intervention. So I am not really sure if the little pains(only occasionally) are new little pains or just me actually being more aware. I always had little twitches with my heart for as long as I can remember but I would always be like, "that was a little odd" and move on because I was young and healthy but now it is a little different. Now don't get me wrong, these are not severe pains or anything that I REALLY FEEL I SHOULD SEEK HELP because I would do that in an instant. I didn't play on either occasions that I had my heart attacks. :)

The second reason that I feel I have not done justice to this blog is because even though I have never had a problem sharing my feelings with people that I care about, it is a little different to type them out on a blog. Not that I think I have a large following (I did notice the two comments just the other day from you. Not sure why I did not get a notice in my email because I had no idea-sorry) and am afraid for people to read them but maybe I just do not really know how to start or to put them into words but I am going to try. I really think it would be a good thing for me and possibly anyone that is going through something similar and that might happen to find my blog to know my feelings during those weeks in the hospital and the time after when I was working through it emotionally. So you have my promise that I will do that! I do have two small girls that I am at home with so the posts may be sporadic but they will be posted!

Cardiac Rehab Graduation!

I graduated Cardiac Rehab February 25th. I was the youngest to complete the program (29 years) and I took the longest (September 2010-February 2011). LOL I am really going to miss them because they were wonderful. I made some really good friends while there and gained my confidence back. I can not say enough how much cardiac rehab helped me. I was able to see all that I could do while hooked up to a monitor that proved it to me. That is such a blessing for someone that has suffered two heart attacks. I had to do the 6 minute walk, just like I did at my first visit. I walked so many laps just because I felt good that I could. I was super walking! :) I could not help but remember my first walk on my first day of rehab. I was terrified. I felt off balance because I had been "taking it easy" for a month and felt so nervous that my heart rate would increase and I would have another MI. I remember telling the nurse, Tammy, that I was so scared and she said that was to be expected. That was such a relief to me. I remember walking so slowly and coming in the room and asking if everything was okay while I walked. I have come a long way in the 36 visits and I would recommend cardiac rehab to everyone that has had any heart setback. You will not regret it!!!

6 months

My sweet little Ryleigh turned 6 months on Wednesday so I know that my "6 month anniversary" for my first heart attack is around the corner as well as my "6 month anniversary" for my second heart attack. I sure was busy! :)

I have not posted in a while because I have been super busy but I have my moments. Most of the time I forget what happened in August. It will hit me and I am like "Did that really happen?". Praise the Lord I feel well. Here lately I have been dealing with the emotional side of this a little more than usual. Not sure why it just now started to happen? I really thought I had dealt with this and worked through the emotions but I guess you have to work through new emotions too. They are nothing bad but they do make me think about those days a lot more. PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS HEALING AND LOVE!!!! TO HIM BE ALL THE GLORY!

I only have 5 more visits left at Cardiac Rehab. I am going to miss them. Especially Tammy the nurse. She has been WONDERFUL! I have made some very good friends there. It is nice to have people to relate to since none of my friends have gone through this! Everyone is so sweet! I am excited about being the youngest graduate they have ever had! :) There better be some cake or something! LOL